The glory days (or horror days) of junk food. I found this on another blog and felt like I needed to relive some of my old past-times here. I’ve been pretty slack about updating the 毎日驚く so instead I bring you a review of some of these retro American snack foods (most of which came to life during the golden years known as the 90’s).

1. Crystal Clear Pepsi - This un-tastic soft drink was introduced in 1992 by the Pepsi Cola company and it probably was only on shelves for about 6 months due to its lack of appeal. The trick? Pepsi that was clear like Sprite or 7-up, except it didn’t taste like you think it would. It tasted exactly like regular Pepsi. Somehow your brain made the association between the fact that it was clear and the fact that it was supposed to be Pepsi and falsely fabricated a new taste in your mind. It only took a few sips however to realize, “Hey wait a minute, this is actually just Pepsi.” I think eventually consumers caught onto the trick and that’s why it failed miserably.

2. PB Crisps by Planters - For some reason, America’s favorite peanut company thought it would be a good idea to make a candy/cookie that looked like a peanut and that was filled with peanut butter. I know, sounds awesome right? Wrong. The thing with peanuts and peanut butter is that we like it because it’s sticky, crunchy, and creamy. PB Crisps were neither of these things. In fact, they barely had the crispy aspect going for them. It tasted more like reconstituted sawdust packed into a flaccid peanut-shaped shell. I dunno, it’s probably just me that didn’t like them and is glad that they pulled this one because apparently there’s a petition out there for Planters to bring back the PB Crisps.

3. Orbitz - This beverage was introduced in 1997 by some Canadian beverage company (well there’s the first mistake) with the tag line “texturally enhanced alternative beverage”. WTF? Upon first inspection, this drink looked awesome. You felt like you were about to indulge in some space concoction straight off the set of Star Trek - the little floaties dancing around the clear liquid, enticing you to take a sip. And then you do. And then you feel infinitely let down. If lava lamps had a taste, I imagine this is what it would be like (what was it with the 90’s and our obsession with slow floating bubbles in liquid?) Point in short: people don’t need colored floating balls to make their drinks awesome. They need something that tasted better than wax and sugar water.

4. Squeezit - Now here’s a drink that made its mark on the American kid market (Betty Crocker, is there anything you can’t do?) These delicious, sugary, fruity soft drinks were shaped like cartoon faces that you had to squeeze in order to extract the wonderful goodness that was inside. Each bottle had a different name, face, color, and corresponding taste that was both witty and fun: Chucklin’ Cherry, Grumpy Grape (later changed to Gallopin’ Grape although to this day is still my favorite), Berry B. Wild, Rockin’ Red Puncher, etc. I remember having these with my lunch sometimes or after a long day of school or playing in the woods with my neighbor friends. Eventually parents started to realize that these drinks were really just made up of sugar compounds and dyes and inevitably these delightful beverages met their final days much to the tears of millions of American kids.