ジャパン (honne and tatemae a case study)

I’ve been lucky because I have had a great experience during my time in Japan. I’ve made some really good friends and I’ve come to understand Japan and the Japanese people a little better. There’s so much I love about this country and its people. I could see myself living here for a long time.

But then there’s the reality that I am, in fact, a foreign person living in a foreign place and no matter how hard I try, I can never fully understand everything here nor completely adapt to the ways of the culture. In that sense, it can seem like a very lonely place.

I rarely use my blog to complain about anything (especially about Japan) and I don’t want this to turn into a blog of “I hate Japan why can’t it be more like America”. No, that’s setting myself up for disillusionment. But, I need to record my own impressions for my own sake, not for anyone else…hell, that’s why it’s my blog. I don’t think many people read it anyway and besides, writing really helps me relieve stress. It’ll be good for me to look back on it in the future as a kind of record of my progression.

The thing that I can’t (and maybe never will) understand, is the culture of what’s called 本音 (honne) and 建前 (tatemae) in Japan. I think what these two things basically amount to are: presenting your outward self 建前 and preserving your inward self 本音 in perfect balance. It’s like two faces that represent who you are.

Now, we all have it. It’s human nature. We think one thing but say another. However in Japan, they have so finely mastered this act of balancing both faces so perfectly that sometimes you don’t know which one is the real face.

When you interact with people on a day-to-day basis in Japan, at first, you tend to see their 建前 more than their 本音. But, as you get to know them, you occasionally start to see their 本音. However, you can’t really know if this is actually their true self or not because if they are usually presenting their 建前 to others, then how can you be sure that this is, in fact, not their true self? You can’t. In fact, I don’t think most Japanese people can be sure that their 建前 is not their true self and that 本音 is. Confusing to say the least.

本音 and 建前 has its advantages. In Japan, a society of uniformity and collective action and thinking, this delicate balance of inner and outer self is really key to making a society that functions more efficiently, more productively, and more smoothly than most countries. I believe that this balance of 本音 and 建前 represents a greater balance of peace and prosperity in Japan. It is something that is embedded in Japanese culture and Japanese people. It cannot change because it is the Japanese way of life.

However, I do think that the sometimes dramatic distinction of Japanese 本音 and 建前 has its disadvantages.

One disadvantage is that some people would say that Japanese 建前 is fake. While I disagree, I can see why this is said. It seems like sometimes Japanese people are not really telling you their true feeling or showing you their true self because their 建前 is part of who they present themselves as. In this sense, this is not fake because it’s part of people’s behavior and image in Japan. It’s part of their cultural identity. It’s part of meeting the status quo. It’s natural (but it sure as hell is confusing).

Yet, I don’t think it’s good to have such drastic distinction between 建前 and 本音 and here’s why.

Let’s imagine a situation. Let’s say Mr. A, who is a foreigner, works with Ms. B, who is Japanese. Now, for whatever reason, Ms. B’s 本音 shows that in fact, she does not like Mr. A. Actually, she hates him with a deep-rooted passion and wishes that he would fall off the face of the earth or crash in an airplane. But, because Ms. B is Japanese, her 建前 will not allow her to be outwardly confrontational with Mr. A. So, she pretends to be nice and friendly with Mr. A.

Mr. A is a foreigner and he does not know Ms. B’s true feeling because all he sees of her at work is her 建前. So, life goes on in a seemingly peaceful way. Ms. B smiles and says good morning and talks to Mr. A. Mr. A smiles and talks to Ms. B. They work together, but really, Ms. B hates Mr. A. Her hate grows inside her, but because she is Japanese, she cannot confront Mr. A and tell him her true feelings. So these feelings get buried deeper and deeper.

Then, one day, Mr. A finds out that Ms. B hates him (but Ms. B does not know about this). This shocks Mr. A. He has trusted Ms. B and he feels like he has been betrayed because she has not told him that she has a problem with him or with her job. It also hurts Mr. A because she says terrible things about him behind his back.

Mr. A wants to solve the problem, but because Ms. B has held all her feelings inside her 本音, the feelings have grown beyond a point where she can change them. Even if she could, she wouldn’t because that’s what her 建前 is for. If Mr. A confronts Ms. B and asks her why she hates him, Ms. B will simply tell him that she does not hate him because she does not want to disturb the peace and her 建前. And actually, Mr. A does not really want to confront Ms. B, because he too knows that in Japan, people have 本音 and 建前 and he cannot change someone’s feelings even if he talks to them about it. He knows that he may not be shown the 本音. And, he does not wish to be overly confrontational in a foreign land. All he will know is that there are two faces to one person. Mr. A is confused about Japanese people because of the distinction of 本音 and 建前. He doesn’t know which face is the true face of the person. He begins to feel disconnected from a place that he loves. And Ms. B continues to hate Mr. A but she cannot tell him this directly because of the restrictions of her identity.

In this situation, I feel the 本音 and 建前 distinction breaks down. Now, this happens in other countries, not just Japan. But if this situation were to happen say in America, there would probably be a point of confrontation, most likely when Mr. A found out that Ms. B hates him. Mr. A would try to confront Ms. B and they would enter some kind of discussion or argument. Ms. B would tell Mr. A her true feeling and feel better about it. Mr. A would know that he doesn’t have to hide being nice to Ms. B anymore. They may go their separate ways, but they have outwardly dealt with their issues thus breaking the boundary between 本音 and 建前. They may not get along, but at least they would not have to hide their inner thinkings and feelings and they would probably feel better about themselves. (Again, this is just theoretical, of course it may not happen like this in America 100% of the time.)

But because this situation is in Japan where it is more important to preserve your 建前 and to preserve the outward relationship, the distinction between 本音 and 建前 is much larger. And because of this, there will never be the same kind of confrontation like there might be in America. Or if there is, it may devolve into a negative spiral reaching a point of no return. Some people believe that this kind of inward aggression is what fuels things like mass outward violence in Japan.

Also, if Ms. B continues to hate Mr. A, and Mr. A knows this feeling, but they never talk about it due to the importance of balancing the 本音 and 建前, their relationship is doomed to never improve. In fact, it could lead to much larger problems later on (maybe Mr. A starts to hate Ms. B back or, heaven forbid, something much worse will happen as mentioned before).

This situation seems to show me that having such a drastic distinction between 本音 and 建前 is not good for developing relationships. Yet somehow, this functions in Japanese society and strong relationships are still built. This is where I struggle: making relationships that balance between 本音 and 建前 and understanding this balance.

I know that the distinction between 本音 and 建前 cannot change in Japan. I don’t know if it necessarily should either because that would mean changing a whole legacy and culture of people. I don’t want that. But, as a foreigner, I know that I cannot fully understand this delicate principle. I don’t agree with it always either. But, by acknowledging it for what it is and how I perceive it is important to me. Creating this discussion with others, be they Japanese or non-Japanese, is equally as important I feel. Because sometimes it takes another person to make you realize how much you don’t know about them or about yourself.

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes which doesn’t necessarily sum up 本音 and 建前 but for some reason I thought it to be relevant.

“People tell you who they are, but we ignore it - because we want them to be who we want them to be.”